Lately, writing on my blog has taken a back seat to life. When I first started this blog, the entries would be half-written in my head before I ever sat down at the computer. Now, I don't even WANT to share what's in my head!
All kinds of trippy things have been happening. On Valentine's Day, my daughter and her boyfriend returned to our house at the end of their night out with smiles bigger than their faces. I was busy figuring out a setting on my camera, looked up, and immediately knew something was up. “Wh-a-t?” I said. Yep, my daughter was sporting a brand new engagement ring and they were all aflutter with the warmth of romantic love (see above photo).
The really interesting part of the story is that my HUSBAND knew all about the planned proposal TWO DAYS EARLIER and didn't let the cat out of the bag! My daughter's boyfriend had the “May I have your daughter's hand in marriage?” talk with hubby then. Those two MALES conspired to KEEP IT FROM ME me lest I inadvertently give away the surprise by my altered demeanor! You know, like blurting out, “Have fun on your date!” Wink. Wink. Wink. AS IF I would ever do that.
So we are in full wedding planning mode around here and it's every bit as stressful (and humorous) as the comedy, “Father of the Bride” portrays. Recently, we had something akin to the following conversation while going over the guest list:
While I am excited and looking forward to the wedding (scheduled for August 25), and very happy for my daughter and her wonderful fiancee, some of my joy has been displaced by recent health concerns.
About six weeks ago, I began experiencing an ache in the rib area on my right side (same side where I had breast cancer). I tried to ignore it at first, but it was a nagging pain that would come and go, both at night and during the day. One of my first blog entries was entitled, A Nagging Pain, referring to the ache in my breast that eventually led to a diagnosis of breast cancer. So I couldn't get past the “here we go again” feeling.
I had a six-month follow-up appointment already scheduled with my oncologist at Swedish Hospital in Seattle, so I decided to wait to talk to her about it. In the meantime, I Googled rib pain+breast cancer. I learned that there are usually two explanations: 1. Residual pain or problems like a cracked rib from breast radiation or, 2. Metastatic bone cancer.
Two weeks ago, I met with my oncologist and we discussed the rib pain. She offered to do a chest x-ray to look for a cracked rib, but that's about all it would show. I told her that I wanted (needed) to determine the cause of the rib pain. So she ordered a bone scan for a week later. I had that bone scan last week.
While I was trying not to borrow trouble, everything changes when you've already been diagnosed with cancer once. I've tried to explain this to people who think they're doing me a favor by telling me “not to worry, everything's going to be fine, I just know it.” Once one shoe drops, that veneer of invincibility just isn't there anymore and you're always wondering if the other shoe is going to drop—ESPECIALLY when you least expect it. You feel like you can never quite let your guard down, because IF YOU DO, that's when it will happen again.
How do I explain this? Yes, on the face of it, it's negative, obsessive, lacking in faith, glass half-empty, and all the rest. But this is what post-traumatic stress will do to a person.
It's like this: imagine a solder on a battle field, watching his buddies die, coming THIS CLOSE to death, and squeaking by. He's one of the lucky ones and gets to live. He finishes his military service and goes home. He tries to get back to normal and, by most counts, he does. Then, one day, he's walking down the street and his neighbor's car backfires loudly. Next thing you know, he's hit the deck and he's back on the field of battle, trembling with adrenalin. His mind, his body remembers. It's a visceral emotion that is never forgotten.
So that's a bit what it's like when new tests are ordered to find out if your cancer is back. And, for a person like me, who likes to do her research, there's no BS'ing about it. Just give it to me straight, doc. That span of time between the medical scan and learning the result is where your inner mettle is put to the test. I can only tell you what I experienced: running through the various scenarios in my head and pondering all the implications, then putting it out of my head and praying, then running through the cycle again.
This time of testing was different than the first because, although I was scared, I was much more resolved to accept whatever happened. I asked God that--if He planned to put me on that train--please give me the ticket and whatever I needed to make the journey (I wrote about the train ticket story here).
I asked people to pray for me and I believe that it made all the difference. I brought my prayer rope with me while I had the bone scan and held it while I was in the car and waiting room at the hospital. It kept me focused and praying. But the rest was the grace of God: he met me where I was and helped me to quit thinking about all the scenarios so I could pray.
When I was finally able to meet with the doctor, she immediately told me that nothing was found in the rib or chest area. I can't even begin to describe the relief that flooded over me. But it was short-lived. She also told me that they found a small “area of concern” in my left femur (hip area). The written report said that it was indicative of a benign bone island, but that metastasis could not be excluded. Therefore, she recommended an MRI to determine the exact cause.
One week later, back to Swedish Hospital I went (third week in a row). I had the MRI two days ago. I was supposed to learn the results the same afternoon, but there was no call from the doctor. When I tried to call her office, I got her answering service. So I left my mobile phone number and waited for a call the next day.
I went to work the next day (yesterday) and by midday, still no call. So I called my doctor's office again and they told me they hadn't received any results from my MRI. They took my cell phone number again and said they'd call when they got the results. I stayed busy all day and finally, while I was driving home at 5:00 p.m., my phone rang. It was the nurse from my oncologist's office calling to tell me that the doctor was on vacation all week. The nerve!
Finally, after three weeks of testing and waiting, the nurse informed me that nothing showed up on my MRI. I thanked her profusely for calling me, hung up, and said, "Thank you, God" (about 20 times).
Okay, now you're (mostly) caught up. But here's the thing I want to say: PLEASE don't be dismissive to folks who have been through cancer and have another test to go through. Don't tell them that you “have a good feeling” about this. What the heck does it matter what your feelings are? I don't mean to be rude, but it's just not helpful.
If you want to support or encourage someone close to you in this situation, tell them that you will pray for them, offer to accompany them to the appointment or send them an email telling them that you are thinking of them. But, for crying out loud, DO NOT INVALIDATE THEIR VERY REAL FEARS.
I actually feel kind of sorry for those people who don't have empathy for others when they go through something like this. They miss out on all of the joy and GRATEFULNESS to God when the good test results come back! It's like shrugging your shoulders over everything, "Eh, it's all going to be fine." REALLY? 'Cuz it's not always fine for everyone. (Well, I believe everything will be fine IN THE END, but that's another story.)
So do these people get up every day, shrugging their shoulders, saying, "Eh, yeah . . . I knew the sun would be out and the birds would be singing." Well, maybe if they didn't think that life was such a GIVEN, they'd be like Ebenezer Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol, getting up in the morning, saying, "The sun is shining! I am as light as a feather! Gads--the birds are singing, too! I am as happy as an angel! How did it come to be that I was graced with such a beautiful morning?! Thank you, God!"
See the difference? That's what it's like when you don't presume that all your tests are going to come back the way you want them to (because they don't for everybody), and when they DO come back with good results, you want to run and jump and hug everyone and thank God and love life and everything and everyone.
Just sayin'.
Now I REALLY feel like celebrating by planning a big party on August 25th, to celebrate the gift of life, love, and of the loving kindness of God!
Glory to Thee for calling me into being
Glory to Thee, showing me the beauty of the universe
Glory to Thee, spreading out before me heaven and earth
Like the pages in a book of eternal wisdom
Glory to Thee for Thine eternity in this fleeting world
Glory to Thee for Thy mercies, seen and unseen
Glory to Thee through every sigh of my sorrow
Glory to Thee for every step of my life's journey
For every moment of glory
Glory to Thee, O God, from age to age