Can we talk?

I haven’t updated my blog in over a month. I’m not sure, but I think that’s the longest window of time since I started writing this blog in July of 2008. Apparently, I haven’t had a need to “talk.”

Actually, that’s not true. In fact, I’ve probably had more of a need to write than ever before. Why? Well, it dawned on me a few weeks ago .  . . I’ve been depressed. Yeah, big surprise. A major tip-off you’re depressed is when you notice that you have no interest in getting dressed until 1:00 p.m. every day. Or when you start thinking it might be cute to put a bonnet on the dog to amuse yourself.

It happened like this once before in my life. I was unemployed back in 1983 and I started sleeping later and later. Looking for a job became less of a priority. The jig was up one day when my husband came home at noon and found me in my nightgown watching All My Children.

When he questioned my job hunting strategy, I calmly explained that I had a routine: I watched my soaps in the morning and looked for work in the afternoon (insert blank stare from husband). Thankfully, I found a job soon after and my soap-watching days became a thing of the past.

Being Orthodox, I go to confession. Well, guess what? I stopped going to confession for awhile, too. Finally, it occurred to me: “I think you’re depressed.” Yes, I talk to myself like that inside my head, don't you? I found it rather amusing that it took me so long to figure out I was depressed. I supposed it was rather obvious and I was the last to know.

I should mention that I also started a new medication nearly two months ago. It’s a hormonal medication that often has very unpleasant side effects for a lot of women. I really wasn’t looking forward to taking it, but after I read the statistics on how it helps to prevent breast cancer recurrence, I felt that it would be in my best interest to take it (it sure beats the alternative).

The most common side effects are:  Hot Flashes, Nausea, Weakness or Fatigue, Mood Disturbances, Headaches, Arthritis, Joint Pain, Sore throat, Nausea and Vomiting, Bone Pain, and Weight Gain. Oh, the medication also raises blood pressure, cholesterol, and frequenltly causes bone loss. But it helps prevent breast cancer and that trumps everything.

The good news is that I haven’t had severe side effects so far, with the exception of some major hot flashes and a little joint pain. I think I could attribute my small weight gain to being depressed, lack of exercise (from being depressed), and eating dark chocolate. Did you know that if you eat enough chocolate, it will be a whole new day after you wake up from the sugar coma?

Anyway, I finally went to confession and let ‘er rip. I was in there for an hour (mind you, the whole hour wasn’t all confession; some of it was just venting). My priest, who is great, observed that I was experiencing “The Perfect Storm” (of life experiences), all combining to put pressure on me, not the least of which is unemployment for the first time in 20 years.

It is a little strange to think that only a year ago, I started a new job, all full of vim and vigor, looking ahead to lots  of new experiences and a grand adventure, not to mention working my butt off. A few months later, I’m home without a job. It’s somewhat disconcerting, yet I believe that this is where I’m supposed to be. If I could just figure out why and what for, but maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe I’m just supposed to hang on and have faith.
 
I allowed myself to really wallow in feelings of uselessness for a couple of weeks before I got sick of it. I’m not the type of person who does well with unstructured time. I’ve known this about myself for a long time. I need something to do and to look forward to . . . doesn’t everybody?

I once had a counselor tell me that there were two kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen and those who wait for things to happen. He said my behavior indicated I was in the latter category. I’ve worked hard the last several years to change that. Especially in pursuing a teaching career, something which is totally challenging and out of my comfort zone.

So, I am waiting to get on the substitute list at the local high school. In the meantime, it occurred to me that I needed to take control of my life and stop sitting around waiting for some (possibly) non-existent employer to call.

In 2002, I started a freelance graphic design business and all kinds of great things happened as a result. It positioned me for another job five years later that challenged and financially rewarded me more than ever. I closed the business in 2007 when I took a public relations job with the school district, which, in turn, gave me the confidence and connections to pursue a teaching career.

Although I have been laid off from teaching for the time being, I am hopeful that this it is temporary. I have no regrets about pursuing teaching; it has been challenging and rewarding and proved to me that I could accomplish what I set my mind to do. At times, the fact that I was a high school teacher for a year fills me with awe. I know I didn't accomplish such a thing by myself. I had divine assistance. Ten years ago, I would have never imagined such a change in careers.

Long story short, through a series of conversations and encouragement from some people I respect, I’ve decided to re-start and re-vamp my freelance business, God willing. Since I made the decision, I’ve been nothing but busy (besides still looking for a job). New name, new logo, new website, new target market. Learning new software. The whole shebang.

I don’t know if this new endeavor will take off or if it will end up simply being an expensive hobby. All I know at this point is that it feels right, I’m passionate about doing it, and I’m planning to follow it until I hit a roadblock that can’t be overcome.

I will share more about my new venture soon, but want to wait until I have something more substantive to share. Everything is in the planning and research stage right now (very time consuming in itself).

Before I sign off, I want to share a poem that truly resonates with me, particularly at this time of my life. I might never have come across it except that my daughter picked up an old book of poetry recently and it was one of the first poems in the book.

After reading the poem, I was inspired to keep moving forward . . . and to learn to labor and to wait. 

 “A Psalm of Life”

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What the Heart of the Young Man Said to the Psalmist

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou are, to dust thou returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sand of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solenm main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait. 

Comments

[Grace]

Wow. Perfect storm is right. But I love that you've found a new direction to go in. I've been a freelance graphic artist for 12 years, and I'm looking for my new direction. Funny old world. :-)

[Halley | Print Business Cards]

I guess it's normal if you talk to yourself in your head. I do that, too. Thanks for this inspirational piece from Longfellow.